Editor’s Note: Last week, we introduced you to Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter Buick Audra via a Singles Spotlight feature about her new album Adult Child (which is out today) and song “It All Belonged to Me.”
Today, we’re thrilled to share an exclusively written essay from Audra. In the essay below, she discusses how making the album taught her some valuable lessons on the merits of empathy.
There are only so many boundaries you can set before you eventually sit down and write a whole album. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the outset, but now that it exists in its final form, my new record ADULT CHILD is a composite of awarenesses, no-thank-yous, and plain truths related to the markings I walk around with. It’s not that I’m so unique in my stripes, but I’ve often felt like there isn’t a lot of room for people like me. And by “people like me,” I mean folks who come from things many would rather not discuss. And so, for years and years, I didn’t. My friends expected my full attention for their lives, and if a piece of my own story poked through, I got the stock maxims, unsolicited opinions, or sometimes: nothing at all. People don’t ask about what they don’t want to know.
Too bad. I’m telling it anyway. It’s lonely not to be known.
* * *
A few years ago, as the landscape of my friendships was changing and the phone numbers of my parental figures were freshly blocked (just for a short break, I told myself), I started to hear music. One piece was about my hometown of Miami, another was about the types of friend dynamics I’ve found myself in time and again, and yet another was about the shockingly large number of people I’ve known who side with bullies when given the chance. What did those things all have in common? Me. And the grooves I’d worn so deeply they were almost impossible to undo. But I was trying.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t the one who could keep a secret, protect a truth, or hold a hand. I have an aunt who lovingly calls me the “communicator of the family.” And while that all sounds nice, it hasn’t amounted to a lot of reciprocity in my life. Being a good friend doesn’t always equate with having good friends. Being a forgiving family member doesn’t mean you’ll be forgiven. In reality, it may mean the opposite. Because on top of being the firstborn and what I call an “adult child,” I’m also a daughterโa word which seems to loosely translate to: on the hook for everything. Family member needs help? Call the daughter. Want to communicate something to the rest of the tribe? The daughter will do it. Need someone to blame for the feelings you can’t name or articulate? I have just the person for you. For a long time, that roleโand everything that’s baked into itโwas my whole personality.
Until I put it down.
What lived beneath it, were all of these other fascinating traits, many of which have become primary tools for my music. I’m highly verbal, which I think is part nature, part years-of-trying-to-be-heard. The lens that I look through sees the grey, not just the black and white, a gift that allows me to observe many sides of a situation. And most importantly, I can feel everything and everyone; I believe this skill was developed in my family where things were emoted but not said. This quality is the one that has gotten me in the most trouble but also saved my life. When you’re from unsafe, volatile conditions, the ability to read emotional weather and adapt as needed becomes essential. Maybe that’s too small a word. Vital. That’s the word. And it cued me right up for doing the same in all of my relationships. I knew how people felt before they did. Knew just what to say. How to help.
What I didn’t know how to do, was give that to myself. As recently as thirteen months ago, I was offhandedly saying that I hated myself in a recording session, making fun of my vocal pitchโa subject that’s so painful for me, my bones may never fully knit back together. I could tell you if the postal worker scanning my mail was having a difficult day, but I couldn’t tell you why I was doing any of that. This was years into the work, the excruciating labor of naming what had been done, and by whom. I wasn’t new to the subject of me. But I was still floating next to myself in some moments, unable to say, “I seem to be having a hard time with this; let me take a minute.” Even as I type this now, my eyes water. It simply hasn’t ever been available to me, that kind of pause, that relief. So, I’m learning to give it to myself.
The pretending, playing normal, and prettying things up are all behind me now. So are the interactions wherein I’m a catcher who never throws the ball, though the invitations still come. My stripes are visible to a certain kind of eye, the ones who can spot someone who was raised by wolves and hopes to tame them. But I’m better at moving through it these days. I took my time with finishing this record, and I’m doing the same with its release. While my hard-wiring tends toward a more pragmatic, high-achieving approach, my newer practices remind me that I’m showing an awful lot of myself, and that it’s okay to feel tired. To cry. I cry a lot. Like I said, I can feel everything and everyone, which now includes me.
None of the stories I’m sharing on this record are new to me, but the way I’m sharing them is: with care. Care for the kid I once was, the woman I’ll someday be, and the person I am right now. And if I don’t know what I need in a given moment, I wait until I do. There’s time. If being a songwriter has taught me nothing else, it’s that you listen until the message is clear. The song always comes.
– Buick Audra
Hereโs where you can catch Buick Audra on tour this summer:
- 6.13 โ Nashville, TN @ The Basement
- 7.16 โ Louisville, KY @ Planet of the Tapes
- 7.17 โ Cincinnati, OH @ Radio Artifact
- 7.18 โ Pittsburgh, PA @ Squirrel Hill Sports Bar
- 7.19 โ Youngstown, OH @ Church / Small Space, Big Voices Series
- 7.20 โ Hamtramck, MI @ Ghost Light
- 7.21 โ Grand Rapids, MI @ Tip Top Deluxe
- 7.22 โ Milwaukee, WI @ MKeULTRA
- 7.23 โ Chicago, IL @ Burlington Bar
You can follow and listen to Buick Audra at the links below:
- Bandcamp:ย buickaudra.bandcamp.com
- Friendship Commanders Bandcamp:ย friendshipcommanders.bandcamp.com
- Spotify:ย Buick Audra on Spotify
- Apple Music:ย music.apple.com/us/artist/buick-audra/171301467
- YouTube:ย youtube.com/@buickaudra
- TikTok:ย @buickaudra
- Instagram:ย @buickaudra
- Threads:ย threads.net/@buickaudra
- Facebook:ย facebook.com/friendshipcommanders
- Bluesky:ย bsky.app/profile/buickaudra.bsky.social
Buick Audra
Contributor
Buick is a Nashville-based Grammy Award winning singer-songwriter.
She's one half of rock duo Friendship Commanders.
